The Democratic Party is involved in a bizarre and ultimately futile search for male candidates.

It started in 2024 with the party’s choice of Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz for vice president, followed by Graham Platner (the alpha male with the Nazi tattoo, plagued by rape allegations) as its Senate candidate in Maine. Now, it is on to Texas Senate candidate Rep. James Talarico, the Presbyterian seminarian who plays with dolls.

At least Democrats know they have a man problem. In the 2016 and 2024 presidential elections, the party offered male voters Hillary (the dominatrix) Clinton and Kamala (the ditz) Harris, whose chief credentials were her gender and race.

Each was defeated by a guy who pumped his fist in the air and shouted “fight, fight,” after being shot.

After its 2024 debacle – losing every swing state – Democrats spent $20 million on a study of how to talk to men. Try to imagine the Democratic Party of Give ’em Hell Harry Truman or John F. Kennedy spending millions trying to figure out how to talk to men?

Presumably, Democrats felt they had to do better than Mr. Walz’s woke masculinity, who could be mistaken for Elmer Fudd without the charisma.

What dreams of chest hair they spun around Mr. Walz in 2024. He was a former football coach and hunter who served in the National Guard. Except that he fumbles trying to load a shotgun. He served 24 years in the guard, then resigned (“slithered out the door,” as his commander put it) when he was about to be deployed to Iraq. Audie Murphy? Hardly.

He earned the nickname “Tampon Tim” for installing tampon dispensers in boys’ rooms for menstruating males. Minnesota just developed My Gender Dolls with interchangeable genitalia to indoctrinate children as young as four in gender ideology.

Then there was Mr. Platner, Democrats’ erstwhile Senate candidate in Maine. He is the gravelly-voiced “oyster farmer”/ex-Marine with a beard.

Nazi-tattoo guy embodied what feminists call toxic masculinity – multiple rape allegations, sexting other women while he was married and vulgarity that made Archie Bunker seem refined.

Mr. Platner was replaced by a man from Maine’s north country who has had two children out of wedlock with his second cousin. His campaign is allocating funds to buy him a pair of shoes.

Next up to bat is Mr. Talarico, the Democratic Senate candidate in the Lone Star State. Mr. Talarico insists that he is not really a vegan and that he has a girlfriend who doesn’t have to be inflated.

“Low-T” Jim says God is nonbinary, The Annunciation justifies abortion, and he is a Christian who “hates Christianity.”

Republicans found a 2021 email in which the manchild giggled about getting the “coolest action figure for Christmas” — a Dr. Fauci doll. When you pull the string, it gives you a COVID-19 shot and takes the Fifth Amendment.

The Texas Democrat recently tried to demonstrate his machismo by holding a blowtorch for a few seconds. He looked like a goofy kid in nerd shop class. Where do they find these guys, Wimps “R” Us?

How can Democrats hope to appeal to men when they don’t understand masculinity, which has nothing to do with facial hair or blowtorches?

A real man protects women and children. Memo to Michigan Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed: Supporting the terrorists who kill women and children is the opposite of protecting women and children.

A real man takes responsibility for his children. As Don Corleone says to the singer Johnny Fontane in “The Godfather,” “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”

A real man earns his way in the world. He doesn’t covet another’s property and plot to steal it in the name of compassion. Socialism is antithetical to real masculinity.

A real man is modest and sincere. His north star is God, family and country.

Now, all the Democrats have to do to win over this average Joe is to convince him that men should be called non-birthing persons, that abolishing police and prisons will make families safer, that addicts and alcoholics have a right to live in and defecate on the streets, that he can’t be trusted with a gun but the ayatollahs can be trusted with a nuclear weapon and that children who think they were born in the wrong body should be mutilated.

If Democrats really want hirsute, high-T candidates, they should nominate werewolves who support abortion and transgender rights.

This column was first published at the Washington Times.